A Year in the Life of a Toastmaster

May 21, 2013

DAY 272- Memoirs and meeting our needs

Posted by Paula Howley under It's all Life | Tags: Memoir, self-preservation, Toastmasters International, William Zinsser, Writing About Your Life: A Journey into the Past |
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I have been reading William Zinsser‘s “Writing About Your Life” which is his memoir alongside his ‘how-to’ write your memoirs. What a treasure this book has been! Already I have an idea of the path I’m going to go down which is something I didn’t have before.

It’s overwhelming at first to try and decide what you’re going to write about and if you even have the right to think anyone will care. But Zinsser’s practical advice has helped me REDUCE. I know I have some great stories and there are people and places who haunt my mind that I would love to tell the world about.

I was so excited last night as ideas coalesced in my mind….I actually began to write things down, to write names down and situations. My memory is coming back slowly AND I have several DOZEN microcassettes with hours of stories on them too. I have been getting to bed at a good hour for about a week now too. Can you tell I’m getting serious?

Speaking of getting serious, in regards to making sure I manage my time better, I also sent out a notice to all my Toastmasters that I will not be carrying our little club next year. I spelled out exactly what I would do, which is be our Sergeant at Arms next year. That entails coming half an hour before every meeting and setting up, and taking down afterwards, making sure the club has the supplies it needs and buying the weekly snacks. I also volunteered to do the occassional mentorship. I will do absolutely no more than that. This is about making sure I am not taking care of everyone else and making sure I am taking care of my needs which is why I came to Toastmasters in the first place. It felt pretty liberating to put it out there to eveyone I’ll tell you.

Our club has been struggling mightily this year and for the most part 3 of us have carried the entire club which exhausted us. It wasn’t much fun either. My beloved Toastmasters wasn’t so beloved anymore. In fact I began to become resentful about it. A few weeks ago I was freaking out, thinking ‘what will we do if the club folds?’ But I have let it go. I really have. I truly hope it doesn’t happen but I am at peace with whatever happens now. Saving Sunshine Toastmasters is not my responsibility. I remember my mentor telling us once that we should serve for a year, and then take a year for ourselves, serve a year, take a year for ourselves. Well, I have been serving for 4 years straight. I am willing to continue to serve in a hugely reduced capacity IF the club can meet my needs. If it can’t, it might be time for me to move on. I can hardly believe I’m saying this but, as I said, I am at peace with whatever happens.

In the meantime, I’m still the President and I am still going to serve out my term with enthusiasm and with my best effort. We are putting on an Epic Storytelling Event next Monday and we have invited people from all over the community to come and see what we are about. We even got some pre-event press (thanks to me!). So no, I am not giving up, but I am also not giving more than is wise. When I see my tank on 1/4 full, I will stop to re-fuel no matter what and no matter how long it takes TO refuel.

this is the new limit

I can’t deplete my personal resources for a public speaking club, no matter HOW much I love it. Sending out the energy that others will come along and excitedly see the opportunity for growth!

May 18, 2013

DAY 269- Life is too short

Posted by Paula Howley under It's all Life | Tags: Coaching, God, Micaela Pennell, personal development, Toastmasters International, World Championship |
[2] Comments

I just can’t let this blog float around in cyberspace with no one to care for it. I feel like I’m orphaning a child for crying out loud. The original goal to document my journey to the World Championships is obviously not what’s going to happen but this blog is called A YEAR in the Life of a Toastmaster, not Nine Months in the Life of a Toastmaster. And we have already established that the goal is not the goal. So, I feel like I need to finish the year because that’s what I promised. But, what is my focus now, Toastmasters or what Toastmasters has been leading to?

Well part of what Toastmasters has led to so far is more personal development.

My life coaching continues, though we are very close to finished. Just two weeks to go. I can’t rave enough about what I have learned and experienced through Micaela Pennell so far. It has been an extraordinarily helpful journey and I am so grateful to God for bringing her into my life. She has given me tools to continue tackling things that need tackling and I honestly feel like I am a very different person from 100 days ago. My perspective is different, my attitude is different, my understanding is different. I also have an amazing friend out of it. If you have issues, and who doesn’t, and you are serious- I mean SERIOUS about tackling them, she’s your girl.

I’ve come to the realization that I have not been taking care of myself because I have been so busy trying to take care of everyone else. Hoping that if I keep giving and giving and giving that my needs will eventually be met.

And because of that, because I am continually disappointed when people turn out to be like themselves instead of who I WISH they were and because I am soooooo bloody depleted and tired from doing everything, I have been very angry. I have been allowing situations that TAKE from me, rather than situations that are enhancing my life. My family has suffered. I have suffered and even the people that I’ve been trying to take care of have suffered because they haven’t been given the chance to do things on their own.

The sorry truth is that I have not been meeting my own needs in almost ANY capacity for my entire life!!!! No wonder I’ve been so pissed!

So.

That ends today.

Life is too bloody short.

May 9, 2013

DAY 260- What’s next?

Posted by Paula Howley under It's all Life | Tags: fathers, mortality, Toastmasters International, William Zinsser, Writing About Your Life: A Journey into the Past |
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It’s been 12 days and I have missed writing here. I have missed writing. Truth be told, I haven’t had a spare minute to do so and I’m not even sure I do now either but what the hell. Live dangerously eh?

How is it that life changes so quickly these days? I’ve moved out of “going to Cincinnatti” mode rather quickly and into the “what next?” mode.

What seems to be next is making sure that I am taking care of the important things in my life, like my family. Continuing with the paternal focus of the past few months, my dad phoned me not long after the contest, in fact it was the day after my last EPIC post, the post where I listed the rewards I have reaped through this 9 month long process. He asked me how I was doing and how I felt about what I had done. It was really satisfying to tell him that I was at peace with everything. The outcome, the rewards, all of it.

And then, he started to say “Well, I went to the doctor the other day….” and started to tell me a story that we all end up hearing. As he was talking I thought to myself “WTF??? Dad’s telling me that something is wrong with him….” It did not compute. I backed up from my brain as I listened and someone in my body started to cry and then tried to STOP crying and listened to my dad tell me ever so coolly and calmly that he has asbestosis and that “I imagine it will be my demise.” (‘How incredibly fucking BRITISH is that statement?’ I thought. ‘How stiff upper lip is THAT? Is that not the epitome of all that is England????’)

I couldn’t believe it and I didn’t know what to say. I just didn’t know what to say. They don’t know how much time he has and I was afraid to ask because it’s just such a horrible question. He’s not set to see a specialist for 3 months though so it can’t be that acute yet, Canadian health delays and all.

His older brother died of the same thing. Manufacturing. My dad worked at Ford for decades. Breathing that shit in. Working for his family. Hell, he left England for the opportunity to do so. It takes decades for the disease to manifest and now it has. And I’ve not thought about it too often yet. It doesn’t seem like a real thing.

I was on the ferry last week and I came across this book. It was called “Dear Dad - from you to me -journal of a lifetime”. I picked it up and looked inside of it. It has about 150 blank pages but at the top of each page there is a question like “What were your favourite childhood games?” and “How did you meet my Mother?” and “What do you like best about me?” My heart started to go faster. I thought ”I have to get this for Dad. I need to know these things.”

I felt panicked almost and then I started to cry, right there in the ferry gift shop. My thought finished itself even though I tried to stop it. “I need Dad to do this because one day he won’t be here. Like I always knew would happen. Like I thought would be a very long time from now.”

But now it’s real.

When Dad asked me what I would be doing next, I told him I felt like it was time for me to write. “I always thought that you would write a book Paula.” Dad said. He has said that to me more than once.

So that’s what I’m doing. I’m writing a book. I haven’t started the actual writing yet for God’s sake, but I am preparing for it. This month is insanity-level-busy with my daughter’s first communion, three field trips, our newly dead landscaping van and my new cleaning job to pay for our new van. My efforts to revive our Toastmasters club including a storytelling event for which I am coaching four children…etc. My level of stupidity is just staggering sometimes. I’m not taking on another damned thing after this month because I have MORE IMPORTANT SHIT TO DO DAMMIT!!!!

So that is what’s next. I’ll finish the book I am reading now (Parenting with love and logic) because it needs to be read and retained.

After that, I have ordered two books that are going to help me with my story. The first book is a memoir AND a how to write a memoir called “Writing About Your Life: A Journey Into The Past“ by the great writer William Zinsser. This will satisfy the writer in me.

Cover of "Writing About Your Life: A Jour...

Cover via Amazon

The second is “The Message of You” by Judy Carter (former comedian, now public speaker). This is a how to turn your life story into a money making speaking career. This will satisfy the comedian and speaker in me.

The rest I will put out there for God to take care of as He always does, even when my faith is weak as it is now. I need to remember what to pray for. I need to remember to pray, period.

April 26, 2013

DAY 247- The Big Questions

Posted by Paula Howley under It's all Life | Tags: Coaching, Communication, Darren LaCroix, God, Jamie MacDonald, life lessons, meaning of life, Micaela Pennell, Paula Howley, Public speaking, Rich Hopkins, Ryan Avery, Speech, stripper, the big questions, Toastmasters International, World Championship of Public Speaking |
[4] Comments

It was back in the fall of 2009 when I saw my first Toastmasters World Champion Darren LaCroix, that the actual thought of perhaps becoming a World Champion crossed my mind. I knew I was a thousand years from it but something in me vaguely knew I could make it to that level of speaker.

In the fall of 2011, I made it to the BC finals, the District 21 Speech finals for the first time, placing third in the humorous speech contest. That’s when Jamie MacDonald (and I actually had no idea who he was at the time- so far removed from the District movers and shakers was I-Jamie has been to the World Stage twice and I believe is up for a third real soon)) approached me and told me he thought I could make it to the top. That’s when the fluffy dream crystallized into something real.

In the spring of 2012 I made District finals again and knew that I had an actual shot at going to the World Championship semi-finals. That was the first time I met Darren LaCroix and began to realize how much more work I needed to do to be as good as I wanted to be. I of course, did not make it but I launched myself into another echelon deliberately, knowing that I had to. That was when the crystallized dream began to take shape.

It wasn’t until Ryan Avery won the Worlds in the summer of 2012 that I actually vocalized my goal, the goal of becoming the World Champion of Public Speaking. I did so because I knew that announcing it would put pressure on me to do what I needed to reach that goal.

When Ryan won, I contacted him (as I’m sure hundreds of others did) and told him about my goal. He was encouraging and realistic. He asked me “Why do you want to win the World Championship?” and I gave him a whole bunch of reasons. At the time, I thought the dream looked like a tall Lucite trophy.

It wasn’t until November of 2012 while working with family life coach Micaela Pennell that I really examined my reasons for wanting to win. Knowing why you want to win is really as, if not more important than the win itself because there is always a reason behind the desire for something. The reason, I have found, is what the trophy represents to me, what it means to me. As Micaela always says, the goal is not the goal.

So let’s look at the reasons that I came up with back in November, 5 months ago.

Paula Howley, why do you want to win the World Championship of Public Speaking?

quick! what’s the answer??????

What would you feel?
1. About yourself

i. I would feel worthy

ii. I would feel amazing

iii. I would feel proud of myself

iv. I would feel satisfied with myself

ABout others towards you?

i. I would feel that people are proud of me.

ii. I would feel that people are happy for me.

iii. I would feel that people admire me.

About your attitude towards life?

i. I would feel that I would leave a mark with my life.

ii. I would feel that I can get on with the real stuff in my life.

About your relationship with God?

My attitude towards God – no change

What would you believe?

About yourself

i. I would believe that I am capable of the discipline necessary to achieve something difficult.

ii. I would believe that I am very good at something of worth.

About others

i. Others would believe I am a good speaker.

ii. They would believe I am someone worth listening to and hearing.

iii. They would notice me and take note of me.

iv. They would admire me.

v. They would believe that I am a person known for talking the talk and walking the walk.

About life

i. I would believe that if I set goals for myself, I can achieve them. ii. I would believe that I can become someone more evolved through a learning process.

iii. I would believe that even the things I thought were out of reach were not necessarily out of reach if I leaarn how to reach for them.

about God

i. I would expand my relationship with God

Expression of your talent – what are you naturally good at?

I would see that I entertain people.

I would see that I impart messages of value while entertaining.

Development of skills:

I would develop my Writing skills

I would develop my Thinking skill

I would develop my Disciplinary skills

I would develop my Communication skills

I would develop my Interpersonal skills

Meaning

I would know that I can do the hard stuff.
I would know that my voice matters.

So, those are THE reasons that I discovered about me wanting to win the World Championship. There are others, more concrete, things like wanting to make up for all the lost years and screw ups of the past, but they all filter down into these somehow.

So, let’s see if anything has happened in my mind and in my heart since November, a hundred thousand lifetimes ago.

What would you feel?
1. About yourself?
2. i. I would feel worthy

This is an interesting statement. I would feel worthy. Worthy of what I wonder? Worthy of life? Of happiness? Aren’t we all? But I guess maybe I thought worthy of the title. It’s a title that commands respect imo and one should be worthy of it.

ii. I would feel amazing

Well duh. I feel pretty good right now I must say. I am not devastated by my loss.

iii. I would feel proud of myself

I feel proud of myself now. I feel proud of the insane amount of work I put into this process and how much I have learned. I feel proud that I reached for the TOP. I feel proud that I asked for help from the best. I feel proud that I took chances and grew tremendously.

iv. I would feel satisfied with myself

Without question, I feel satisfied with my efforts. I must say in honesty, I am not satisfied with my performance at the contest but I am satisfied that I can improve exponentially.

About others toward you?

i. I would feel that people are proud of me.

This might be the coolest part. I do feel that people are proud of me. I know my dad is and that means the world to me. My husband is particularly proud of me. So is my daughter and I know the awesome people in my club and area are too. Jamie MacDonald is proud of me and so is Rich Hopkins. And so many others who have spoken to me and written to me. It feels pretty amazing. Hey! I guess I got the “I feel amazing” part after all!

ii. I would feel that people are happy for me.

I do feel that people are definitely happy for me even in their disappointment FOR me. They are happy that I am pursuing my dreams and trying to become more than I am. There are some people who are pretty regular readers and even good friends who understand on a very deep level what has happened for me on this journey and they are thrilled for me and the miracles that have come about from this process.

iii. I would feel that people admire me.

I find it both humbling and hilarious to find that this has become true. Now of course, I’m not fool enough to think that this is universal, in fact, I’ll bet my daughter’s allowance that I annoy the shit out of many. The crazy fact is though, that some people have actually TOLD me that they admire me so either it’s true or they are liars. My optimism demands I believe that at least some of those people are telling the truth. At the same time, it makes me uncomfortable because I know who I am but it inspires me to try harder to be better.

About my attitude toward life?

i. I would feel that I would leave a mark with my life.

I always thought that the best marks, the most important marks, were the BIG ones. I love drama, I love flair, I love the BIG stuff so it makes sense. I am finding however, that small marks are what impact people. For example, I REALLY dig doing the Youth Leadership Program with Toastmasters. The kids I work with are so grateful for the help, the parents are so grateful and enthusiastic and it really MEANS something to me. It really MEANS something to them too. It’s not a big thing but really, it IS. And the most important mark I’m leaving with my life is with my daughter, who deserves so much more than I can give her. But this whole process of learning who I am because of Toastmasters, because of my faith and because of my friends is helping me to even be a better wife and mother. That’s the most important mark of all.

ii. I would feel that I can get on with the real stuff in my life.

In the uninspiringly boring words of Barack Hussein Obama, “Yes I can.” I am very excited about doing what I have been talking about for a VERY VERY VERY long time now and that is WRITING MY BOOK. I know I have the discipline to do it now and I know I have the talent. I know that I can find help when I need it. And I know that I’m not too stupid to admit when I need help. Lol I’m also looking forward to having a fun summer with my little girl and making sure I have AT LEAST a monthly date with my awesome husband. What else? My keynote. The message that I am here on this planet to give. I am excited to be walking in the direction I’m supposed to be going. I am excited to say “Come To Me” to the rest of my life, in the words of Jamie MacDonald.

My attitude towards God ?– no change

Interesting, isn`t this? I thought that winning the World Championship would not change my attitude towards God. I think I am happiest about that. If anything though, my faith needs deepening. If anything else, this process has helped me through a challenging spiritual time.

What would you believe?

About yourself?

i. I would believe that I am capable of the discipline necessary to achieve something difficult.

This has been one of the best parts of this. I have discovered that I can be a workhorse. I’ve always had a good work ethic; even when I was a stripper I busted my ass if you’ll pardon the rude pun, but living this kind of discipline has been a great blessing. It sets me free to do other great things.

ii. I would believe that I am very good at something of worth.

I don’t think I’m very good yet but I believe I WILL be. I believe I will be at my best when I can deliver the message of ME that God has given me and that will require more than a 7 minute speech. I believe that when I begin to really give myself away for the benefit of others, I will be the communicator and the woman I want to be. It’s coming. I feel it in my very bones. I’ve sort of been on auto pilot for a while as I learned how to gear up but that is all about to change.

About others?

i. Others would believe I am a good speaker.

Others do believe this. Some more than others. Some less than others. Some are probably and rightfully wondering what the big fucking deal is.

ii. They would believe I am someone worth listening to and hearing.

Another great blessing. This blog might be more responsible for that than anything. The response I have received has been encouraging to say the least. Especially with the revelation of my past. To see the number of people who actually READ this blog is stunning. It makes me want to give something really worth reading. I value the time of my readers so very much and am SO grateful for your support. I have learned that others DO think I am someone worth listening to and hearing. I cannot adequately express what a gift of freedom this is to me. People like me are normally laughed at and dismissed as unimportant and even ridiculous but I have been told here that what I have to say has meaning and is important. Wow.

iii. They would notice me and take note of me.

Two different things I believe. Anyone can be noticed, you just have to be loud, as I have been for much of my life. People taking note of you…that can happen because of volume too but I find that people take note of you when you begin to display a measure of substance. Perhaps I am beginning to do that, finally.

iii. They would admire me.

This one must be important since I’ve got it down twice. Lol Kind of embarrassing. The truth is, it matters to me. Too much. Truth is, I’m frequently an asshole it real life who doesn’t deserve to be admired. Just ask the people who know me best.

iv. They would believe that I am a person known for talking the talk and walking the walk.

YES. This one is important to me. I HATE it when people don’t walk the walk. As I always say to my daughter “Talk is cheap. Anyone can talk. You have to back it up with your actions for it to mean anything.” I have walked the walk in this case and I am proud to own that.

About life?

i. I would believe that if I set goals for myself, I can achieve them.

Even though I did not achieve my goal per se, I have achieved many, if not most, of these. This process opened up (again!) another realm for me, another realm of thinking and believing. I have other goals that are important to me that I fully believe that I will achieve. I am happy and excited to begin the next chapter.

ii. I would believe that I can become someone more evolved through a learning process.

Without question. Holy mackerel. Rich Hopkins was a brutal son of a gun who made me cry on more than one occasion (not out of cruelty but by pushing me farther into the truth than I thought I could go) . I learned to respect this process by giving it everything I have. I learned how to respect my audience by giving them everything I have. I learned how to jump through the biggest hoop of fear, I learned how to ask for what I want, I learned more than I can possibly write here. I am still learning with myself and God and my family and Micaela and my Toastmasters family and know that this process, thankfully, will never end.

iii. I would believe that even the things I thought were out of reach were not necessarily out of reach if I learn how to reach for them.

I love this one. It’s dramatically liberating to discover that you have oodles more potential than you thought. In fact, it’s almost scary because there really aren’t an excuses anymore. Lol Knowing that people are always there with their hands extended in friendship gives me courage. I know to go to the best and that they are not the scary arrogant people I may have feared that they were. I have been genuinely rewarded for asking people to show me how to reach.

God?

i. I would expand my relationship with God

I hope this one happens always no matter what. We tend to dive in when things are not going well and it’s important to remember to go deep with God when things ARE going well too.

Expression of my talent – what are you naturally good at?
1. I entertain people.

For sure I know this is true. This is something I’ve always liked doing but having the stage of Toastmasters has given me the opportunity to hone this skill. MCing the Ryan Avery event this winter was a big boost to my confidence. It was my first opportunity to steer a large ship with important passengers and I know I nailed it because I genuinely had fun and felt everyone else having fun too.

I impart messages of value while entertaining.

Yes! Learning to. As Sharookh would say “What is the take home?” lol As Margaret Page would say “What’s in it for me?” As I am learning to say “ What can I give to my audience?” When people give you their undivided attention, they deserve the best you can give them. My last message was of tremendous value I think.

Development of skills
1. I would develop my Writing skills

YES! Absolutely! Not just speech writing skills (because I wrote 3 versions of the 1^st speech and then 2 versions of the 2^nd speech and then about 15 versions of “I Love You” with endless tweaks and revisions), but my writing skills period because of this blog which I have come to love so much. I have fallen in love with writing again and that makes me ever so happy!

I would develop my Thinking skills

Not my strongest skill I think (ha ha) but I have certainly pushed myself for ideas and new thoughts. It has been exciting exercising a muscle that needs exercise. It is thrilling coming up with an idea that FITS in just the right place at the right time.

I would develop my Disciplinary skills

In one way, I failed tremendously because I have NOT kept up my new year’s resolution of going to bed by 11:30. This is not what I’d call discipline. I am so much healthier and happier when I do but it is SO difficult breaking a 40 year long habit. In another sense, I made myself work on this project constantly- almost every day for hours a day, not sure I’d call this discipline. I think I still have a long way to go for that.

I would develop my Communication skills

This is a no brainer. A lot of this is happening through my work with Micaela. I am still learning to ask for the things I need which I find difficult to do (as I’m sure it is with many women or moms).

I would develop my Interpersonal skills

Not as much as I mostly worked on my own through this project. This is something that still needs work and attention.

Meaning
1. I would know that I can do the hard stuff.

I CAN do the hard stuff but I’d like more opportunity to do harder stuff. And more fun stuff. I feel like I’m made of the right stuff.

I would know that my voice matters.

I am discovering something that I had always suspected and had always hoped. I am just a Voice of One who’s Greater than this…but I am still a Sacred Voice, I will not be dismissed.

April 21, 2013

DAY 242- I didn’t mean it literally when I said “Gimme a Second” (warning: EPIC post)

Posted by Paula Howley under It's all Life | Tags: Avery Drill, Cincinnati, Competition, Educational evaluation, God, Micaela Pennell, Rich Hopkins, Speech, Speech Technology, Spiritual direction, Sunshine Toastmasters, Toastmasters, Toastmasters International, World Championship of Public Speaking |
[19] Comments

So, many of you have heard through the Toastmasters grapevine already and many of you haven’t that I placed second to Sharookh Daroowala. Sharookh’s name was on the District Cup 13 years ago so I’m not embarrassed to have lost to him. I also know he worked very hard on his speech and I consider him a very worthy competitor.

I’m still considering pulling a Tonya Harding/Nancy Kerrigan on Sharoohk so he might want to watch his back for the next 2 weeks until District.

I feel pretty flat right now, flat as a pancake. I feel like all the air has been let out of my tires. I didn’t even want to go to church this morning but they say those are the best times to go.

Not really sure what to do with myself as I really hadn’t planned for this. I had envisioned my summer of working on this and my new speech. I knew I was going to go to a Reds game in Cincinnatti, I knew my parents would have driven from Windsor to come and see me. I really truly and honestly thought it was going to be my year. Is that cocky or just stupid?

I guess I’ll give you a review of my day yesterday because it was interesting up until the losing part anyway.

I Avery Drilled on the ferry and it was really awesome. I wasn’t freaked out or afraid. I just enjoyed it. And each time I went a little louder so as to challenge myself. People walked right in front of me, some stopped to watch, some watched out of the corner of their eyes. Some completely ignored me. Some teenaged boys smoked some BC bud and hung out for a while and I’m pretty sure I tripped THEM out. lol

creating the illusion of insanity

I felt happy and grateful to be doing what I was doing and thought about where I was 11 years ago and how this never would have even entered my mind as a possibility of life then.

I drove to my spiritual director Bernadette’s house to have a chat with her since it’s been a VERY long time and it was wonderful to be with her. I performed my speech for her and she was in alternating laughter and tears. She really identified with the subject matter and told me she thought it was an important message for people to hear. She also thought it was the best speech I’ve ever crafted and she appreciated the nuances of it. Since I have lost my last 2 Division contests immediately after performing my speech for Bernadette, I have decided to NEVER SPEAK TO HER AGAIN. lol

So, I got to the venue. Nice and big. Very big. Probably about a 100 people there. Greeted people, used the bathroom 50 times, found someone to record my speech. I looked around at my competitors. Ian Cunliffe. He beat me last fall in the Humorous contest. Sharoohk, limping with gout. One of my competitors pulled me aside and said “You’re going to win. You’re gonna go to District.”

We drew numbers for speaking order. I was there to compete in the Evaluation contest as well as the International speech contest. Pulled number 4 for Eval and pulled DEAD LAST for International. Yes! It was meant to be, see?

My stomach was doing serious gymnastics. Waves of nausea came and went. A couple of times I thought I might be sick. It was worse than any District contest I’d been in. (and this is my idea of fun, mind you) I was glad to get up and give my Evaluation so I’d have a chance for my nerves to dissipate a little, to project my voice and use the floor a little before my “real” speech. (no disrespect meant for the evaluators who are the backbone of Toastmasters)

I watched my speech competitors one at a time, enjoying the speeches. Knowing what I’d have to do to be the best. Knowing I was capable of doing so. The poor guy who went before me blanked on his speech and quit in the middle of it. I felt terrible for him. He left and never came back. I wish I’d had the chance to talk to him.

It was my turn next and YES, I was able to power pose for a minute before beginning. I got out there and it took me a couple of minutes to really connect. It wasn’t my best. It was good, but not the best I could have been. I was not as present as I would have liked to have been. Tell you what. You can watch it for yourself. I’ll post the text below it in because the volume is too low to hear in some parts. So, for the first time ever in blogland, here is Paula Howley with her speech entitled ” I Love You”

http://youtu.be/uocm1PKGOPI

Here is the text:

I love you! Have you ever wanted to say those life changing words to someone?……But couldn’t get up the nerve?

If you’d been in my house while I was growing up, you would have heard conversations ending like this:

“I love you Dad!”

“Thanks Paula”

Thanks??? You say “Thanks” when someone passes you the salt, not their heart.

But love, in all it’s forms, isn’t always a walk in the park is it?. Sometimes it’s a terrifying trek complete with fire-breathing dragons that incinerate your heart. Madam Contest Chair, fellow travellers, this is my dragon tale.

My dad is 70 and he’s British too. That stiff upper lip makes saying “I love you” physically impossible. But my dad is an emotional, expressive man who cries during Toy Story.

He says “I love you” to my mom, all the grandkids, the dog, and complete strangers after enough beer. But for some reason, that stiff upper lip still applies to me.

I love you dad.

Thanks Paula.

Heart versus fire breathing dragon. After being burned countless times I stopped offering my heart to anyone. I wasn’t even sure I was worth offering.

That mindset interfered with boyfriend after boyfriend….. After boyfriend.

And it almost stopped the most important relationship I’ve ever had.

I wish you could have been there the night I met my husband Lloyd. So romantic. It was a dim, smoky bar that smelled like stale beer. We had a love at first sight experience, slightly enhanced by alcohol. We talked for 7 hours! It was like finding a long lost friend. Then, at the end of the night, out of nowhere, he looked at me with his beautiful bloodshot eyes and said “I love you Paula!”

It was the craziest thing I’d ever heard. But even crazier, I felt the same way! I wanted to say it back!….. but I couldn’t. Offering your heart means it might get burned.

I spent the next few days agonizing over what might have been and realized that I was turning into my dad. I was becoming a fire breathing dragon.

I had to decide if Lloyd was worth fighting for.

Actually, I had to decide if I was worth fighting for.

So I collected my courage, took the chance of my life and offered my heart to Lloyd. In a letter. Hey he lived 3000 miles away.

“You were so brave” my letter said – “And I believe that you love me…. You should know that I love you too.”

Ten years and one amazing child later we’re the Howley family complete with fire insurance.

When your heart gets burned it’s tender and tentative. When your heart lets the dragons win, it’s never offered at all and that’s tragic.

Some burns take time to heal. I stopped telling my dad I loved him. We’d see each other, it would be fine, and being older, I assumed that of course he loved me, but I couldn’t stand the thought of hearing one more “Thanks Paula”.

Last year though, I started wondering if I’d get another chance. Lloyd’s father passed unexpectedly and he was the same age as MY dad. What if? I didn’t even want to think of it.

Dad’s visit months later was the last straw. At the end of his stay, Dad hugged our daughter and said “I love you”.

Then he turned and said it to Lloyd.

Really ? I thought. Really Dad? You can say it to Lloyd????

He was coming towards me. What should I say? I wanted to say nothing but what if….?

“Dad, I love you.”

I know dad loves me whether he says it or not.

“Thanks Paula.”

Yes it burned. But I still said it. I decided that I was worth fighting for. And so was my dad. And so are you.

I love you! Have you ever wanted to say those life changing words to someone? Do it! You are worth fighting for! And so are your loved ones. I love you. And I’m not afraid to say it anymore.

So, I have only watched it once and that was enough for me for now but I can see why I didn’t win. I was not the best I could have been. HOW am I ever going to get there????

So we finished and had to sit through the agonizing interviews of the contestants wherein I realized that I don’t have much of a life outside of homeschooling my child and Toastmasters. I need a meaningless hobby big time. If for no other reason than I will have something ELSE to talk about.

So they called up the Eval winners, 1,2,3 and I couldn’t have cared less that I was not up there.

Then they called Third place for the speech. Ian Cunliffe. I took a deep breath. Then they called my name for Second place and I may or may not have said the word “shit” under my breath but loud enough for Al Piran next to me to hear. Smile, I thought to myself. Don’t be a jerky loser. They handed me a lovely piece of paper that said “You Are Not Going To Cincinnati- however the fuck you spell it”. I wanted to take that piece of paper, ball it up and toss it over my shoulder. But social constraints were more powerful than the urge, thank God.

So they called Sharoohk’s name and up he came, double winner. He’d won the Evaluation contest too. I gave him a hug and congratulated him (incidentally, I had prayed for him on 3 occassions to heal so he COULD compete as well- think I might have been regretting THAT move? lol) then I shook Ian’s hand and congratulated him too. I briefly flashed back to a time a few years ago when I placed at Division for the first time (3rd) and how thrilled I was to do so then and how different it was now.

Some friends who knew what I’d been trying to do did their best to comfort me and I am grateful for them. For their perspective and their caring. I just wanted to leave. I had a terrible post-contest pounding headache.

I had dinner with a couple of the ladies who’d come over from the Sunshine Coast for contest and I have to tell you, YES, I WANTED A DRINK. No, I did not have one. Nothing will ever be that bad. We hashed things out a little, talked about the speeches and of course I discussed how grave the miscarriage of justice was. lol Hey, don’t tell me YOU haven’t done the same thing. Truthfully, the thing is, I lost to a good speaker. The second thing is, I could have made it so much better and now I won’t have the chance to. That really sucks.

I didn’t want to go up on the deck on the ferry so I mostly stayed in my car on the way home. I watched the mountains and the beautiful waterfalls and tried to care about them and thought about the people in Boston and tried to care about them but in the end, I only cared that I was a big fat loser. I felt like “The Biggest Fool in the World”. Hey, I’ve claimed that title somewhere earlier in this blog, haven’t I? I guess I really get to wear it now. HEY! Let me have my little pity party, ok? I’ve been KILLING myself over this damned speech.

I picked up Meg from our friend’s house and she told me the most important part of the day and that was that she had gone on the BIG KIDS’ area of the bike park. I agreed that it was pretty awesome and probably the most important.

Came home to my awesome husband who was already talking about next time (I can’t believe he’s willing to go there again) and that I have many more great speeches to write blah blah blah. I told him how foolish I felt having made such a fuss, having put this blog out there, announcing my big dreams to everyone and then flopping on my face. I wish I could remember all the wise and beautiful things he said but I know he said he is proud of how hard I’ve worked on this.

And how hard have I worked on this? Well, you all have a pretty good inkling because it’s been documented for the most part. I wrote a letter to myself a month ago using futureme.org to read AFTER the Area contest. I forgot about the letter until last night and reading it helped me put things into perspective. It was actually an exercise my friend and life coach Micaela encouraged me to use. Here it is:

Dear FutureMe,

This is after the Area Contest. You have almost certainly put in more time and effort than anyone else Paula. No one has outprepared you.

This is why you have won:

A) Preparation: To reiterate: No one has out prepared you.

1. Spiritual: You have prepared yourself for this contest in every spiritual capacity that you can think of including the scariest one of all: facing dad and asking his blessing. You have been working with Micaela since the end of January, you have prayed, you have written, you have talked to God and you have learned a TON about yourself. Rich has been a part of your spiritual process too and God is using this to make you an amazing and effective speaker. He is also teaching you so much about yourself. You have dug very deeply. You have asked the scariest questions you can ask yourself and you have touched the darkest parts of your heart as well as the most hopeful. You are focusing on seeing yourself doing an amazing job and seeing yourself victorious. You are sending energy to the right places. You are tackling every issue you can THINK of Paula! You have people pulling for you and PRAYING for you! YOu are a totally different person than when you began. Even your attitude to your life is different. You know you have big goals to pursue when this is all over. This is just the beginning!!!! The goal is not the goal.

2. Mental: As of today, March 23, you have put in at least 100 hours of preparation JUST ON THIS SPEECH. Since then, easily 30 more. You have Avery Drilled all over town so you can get over any discomfort and practice connecting with people! You have Miller Drilled. You have dissected the speech and looked at every aspect. You know it and feel it inside and out. YOu started training for this at last spring’s convention when you spent a thousand dollars in LaCroix products to begin investing in your future self. It paid off girl. You have also gone to dad to tell him what’s going on and left the ball in his court. You have been respectful and asked for his blessing. YOur head is IN THE GAME. YOu are leaving no stone unturned.

3. Physical: You have been eating healthy for the past 3 weeks and getting more exercise. You have been going to bed on time and getting enough sleep. You are strong and you care about your body being strong enough to deliver a strong message. YOu look great and feel great.

B) You are proud to share the content of your speech with the audience because:

It is well written.

It is funny.

It is tough subject matter that everyone deals with at some point.

It is true.

It was a scary thing that happened to me. Dealing with my dad has always been somewhat scary and uncomfortable. Taking that chance and saying “I love you” was VERY hard for me. It represented a change in thinking for me. My thinking became more outwardly focused. Less focused on me. I was able to overcome- literally push PAST my very tangible fear and say what I NEEDED to say to dad just in case it was the last time and to show that I COULD.

I am proud because I have worked with one of the best speech writers in the business, Rich Hopkins, and he has helped me write my best speech so far. He thinks it is a great speech. He thinks I am a star. I am proud to share it as a Work of Toastmasters. As a work of my heart.

I am proud to share it with my friends who are getting to know me better. I am proud to share my failings, my successes and my process with Toastmasters of all levels.

I am proud because I truly think this speech could spur people on to life-changing action. Even weeks later.

I am proud to share this content because it is meaningful and heartfelt. Because I have lovingly combed it and shaken it for more. I am proud to share this content with my audience because it is an important, intimate and real part of me that can help my fellow human beings.

C) This content is uplifting for my dad because it will help him think about things differently. I know Dad is being affected by my prayers and the very ENERGY of this speech. His blessing to give this speech is proof of that. All the energy I am putting into understanding and loving him and forgiving him is changing the energy of who he is, who I am and who I am with him. This speech will give dad courage to be more than he thought he could be.

This speech is uplifting for my dad because it represents his daughter taking the greatest leap of her life, working on something truly great and I know he wants that for me. I know he wants me to succeed. I know he loves me. It would be a release for him to release to me. This speech is uplifting for my dad because it is a tribute to my love for him. That I do love him after all is said and done. This speech is uplifting for my dad because he will learn from it. He will glean much. This speech is uplifting for my dad because it can set him free.

Let me explain a few things. I thought I was going to Cincinnati. My folks live nearby and I KNEW they would come. I didn’t want my dad to be blindsided by this speech so I sent it to him and asked for his blessing. It was SCARY AS HELL. 3 days later he sent me a message back:
“Paula, I love you more than you will ever know and you always have my blessing.”

This gesture from my father is, as far as I’m concerned, the greatest act of love he has ever shown me (though he would probably disagree and say that feeding, housing and taking care of me was his greatest act of love). This speech displays one of my father’s shortcomings and it took humility for my dad to bless my efforts to disclose the effects of this shortcoming. I think my dad has an inkling of how important this has all been for me and him giving me his blessing was the biggest “I love you” I’ve ever gotten from him. It meant I was free to give this speech without fear or guilt, without reins. This, has probably been the greatest effect of this speech. Nothing really, could have been more important. It’s unfortunate that I have this tunnel vision that has a tall lucite trophy at the end of it.

When I visited my spiritual director Bernadette yesterday, she talked about how prevalent this trait is among the British. This stiff upper lip. Where did it come from? How many are affected by it? She recognized the importance of overcoming it in her life too.

After giving my speech yesterday and after the awards ceremony, a lovely, lovely man named Mike approached me. Mike has one of the kindest faces I’ve come across in the entire world. He is a person that one feels instantly attracted to because of the warmth emanating from him. I don’t know him very well but I like him a lot. Mike congratulated me and then he said:

“Paula, I’m 70 and I’m British too just like your dad. I’ve really been thinking about what you’ve said today. I never thought about how important it was but I am going to go home today and call my daughters and tell each of them that I love them.”

Why does it make me cry to write that?

That’s what it’s supposed to be about, isn’t it?

Someone else is going to be the World Champion of Public Speaking for 2013.

Big fat juicy cuss word.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do next. I think for a while, I’m just going to do nothing. Not sure if I know how to do that but I’ll figure it out. Just gimme a second.

you are not going to Cincinatti

April 18, 2013

DAY 239- No stone unturned

Posted by Paula Howley under It's all Life | Tags: Avery Drill, Competition, Darren LaCroix, Division Contest, home school, no stone unturned, Spiritual direction, Toastmasters International, World Championship of Public Speaking |
[12] Comments

Got a message from a fellow competitor today- very surprising. It was the contestant about whom I’d heard “That was the best speech I`ve ever heard!” from a mutual friend. We will be competing together on Saturday. Anyway, this person messaged me saying they didn’t know they were in the same Division as me until yesterday when we were sent a list of the competitors and jokingly wondered if they should bother showing up. I messaged back that I’d had the same thoughts about them! Seriously.

The last time I went to Division I not only didn’t win, I didn’t even PLACE and I was pretty …. well, upset would vaguely cover it. I am taking nothing for granted. I know there are people in this competition who have been working hard on their speeches for months. I know there is some great talent and it will be an excellent competition. I need to be my very best so far.

A great turn of events today. Someone from the Area competition RECORDED my speech and they sent me a copy of it!!!! I was so thrilled to be able to see it. Until I watched it that is! Holy cow, it’s SO incredibly STRANGE, to feel SO in the zone and feel like you are connecting with people but then watch it and think “Wow, is that all there is? I really felt like it was BETTER than this!!!”

What a serious motivator. I wasn’t happy with almost ALL of it, except the sincerity. THAT I felt, I knew it was there and I was happy with it. The rest of it needed some hard core polish. I worked on it tonight after Meg went to bed. I have to wait until she’s sleeping too or she’ll never get to sleep. So I performed and recorded it tonight, watching each time afterwards and making notes about what I liked and didn’t like about each one. Then on the next performance I would incorporate the changes and watch it again. I did this 6 times. I really felt like I got some bugs out tonight. I also performed and recorded a few specific sections that I felt needed attention. I even checked out my outfit to see what would look best. I just need to solidify these minor delivery changes in my mind and heart and I will be ready to go for Saturday.

I plan on Avery Drilling on the ferry over that day (I love Avery Drilling on the ferry!!) and hoping later today at the home school group I can make a chance to perform happen as well. Putting it out here in my blog so I won’t chicken out…call me on it folks….I’m going to stop at the mall on the way home and do my speech right SMACK in the middle of it so EVERYONE can see how freakin’ loopy I am.

Hoping to see my spiritual director just before the contest on Saturday too. She lives very close by the venue. It would be wonderful to have her calm and loving presence with me for a while beforehand. Did I mention that 2 friends from church are going to be praying a rosary for me on Saturday? And I didn’t even ASK! They just volunteered! And one is a former Toastmaster too so she knows EXACTLY what to pray for. LOL

Have I covered every angle? If you can think of ANYTHING I’m missing, MESSAGE ME because I must leave no stone unturned. As Darren LaCroix says, I may not be the best, but no one will out-prepare me.

surely it’s not the last one

April 16, 2013

DAY 237 – Quickie

Posted by Paula Howley under It's all Life | Tags: Public speaking, Self Improvement, Toastmasters International, Vancouver, World Championship of Public Speaking |
[4] Comments

Oh, you thought this post was gonna be about you know what, didn’t you? Hey! Minds out of the gutter please. I’m not that kind of blog.

Have I mentioned that I am my Toastmasters club president and that this has been the toughest year we’ve had since I joined 5 years ago? We barely made it through this winter.

We used to have this spectacular venue where our local council meets. Beautiful room. Good size. Acoustically perfect. Room for our lectern, all of our stuff. Small kitchenette so we could make snacks. Nice tables, LEATHER CHAIRS. Yeah. Politicians met there. It was called the “community use room”. So you’d figure that, you know, the COMMUNITY could use the room. Especially an organization like ours that serves the community. IN the past 3 years, our club and its members are responsible for bringing the Youth Leadership Program to over 300 kids! Not bad eh?

Anyway, for reasons that were never really made clear to us, they wanted us OUT of the room. The community use room. So they kicked us out last year. %#@*!!!!!

We looked all over for a suitable new place and had a lot of trouble finding a space that could accomodate us. We found one eventually at a Senior’s Activity Centre but the only available room was so small we were busting out of it. (Which is a nice problem to have, right folks?) We couldn’t comfortably or safely meet in that room anymore and the only option we could embrace was changing the day of the week that we met so we could have a bigger room. Well. What a big freakin’ mistake THAT was. It was like almost immediately folks couldn’t make it anymore even though we had polled people. It just fell apart.

Anyway, like I said, we barely made it through the winter. We went to every other week for a while because the few of us who kept coming were doing all the work and were exhausted. I had really been looking forward to serving as President but it has been much harder than I thought it would be. We changed our day back to our old day recently and that has brought some old members back which is good. We are also having more fun again which is awesome. People are giving speeches more regularly and the good vibe is there again. I feel confident that we are past the worst of it and that things are looking up again but I ned to tell you that I have put a TON of work into our club this year and we’re not even close to finished. We’ve decided to have a big public Storytelling event since they are all the rage now.

We have a different room now but this one is not big enough. Five more members could not be accomodated comfortably. And I AM expecing members because we have a pretty amazing little club. We laugh so much and we push each other to be our best. It’s a damned good combination. So, I am putting the energy out there NOW for more members and for an amazing space to present itself to us. You heard it here first folks. lol Thanks God.

Anyway, wasn’t this blog supposed to be about winning a world championship or something like that? Yes.

The next step is this Saturday in Vancouver. Division H contest. Niiiiiiice list of 8 contestants I received today. I recognized a few names. One was the name of someone who I had heard from an acquaintance had done “the best speech I had ever heard!” at the last level. Ahem.

So I need to stay focused. Keep practicing but not let it get too stale. I gave my speech last night at my club and it was good to give and get energy from a live audience. Taped it tonight and sent it to Rich again. Just need to remember to connect. See them and let them see me. Tell my story. Just tell my story.

I said this was going to be a quickie didn’t I? Yeah right.