I’m reaching out towards my faith again, I feel it reaching back for me. I’m not saying I’m good, I am saying I’m hopeful which is the most important thing. Without hope, we are all lost. Without hope, I am useless.
I have been stepping back from my Catholic faith this year, knowingly, unknowingly, afraid, ashamed, I don’t know. Afraid of being judged. Always that fear, fear of judgement no matter where I’ve been in life. It has steered me so. Fear is a poor place upon which to build.
My heart has, for the most part, not been in my faith since, oh, I’m guessing at least last March. Maybe longer. There have still been some spectacular moments but I have largely ignored Opus Dei, the formation that has given me so much wisdom and strength for the past 5 years. I used to read daily devotions from Father Francis Fernandez, they lined up with my life so often, gave me such deep wisdom but alas, I am freakin’ LAZY. Nothin’ noble about that. I am also selfish and prideful. Once, twice, three times a lady!
Still reading my journals and I am up to 2009 and what revelations are in my past! How is it that I can NOT remember so much of my life? It is good to revisit those paths. Everyone should keep a journal. There is wisdom in me, I just have to look back for it. I am learning, re-learning a lot. I am re-membering my past. I am re-membering who I have been, who I am. Putting myself back together as I see me. This is ALL happening for a reason. God even uses my selfish desires to be a big shot to show me what I need to see.
I prayed a rosary today. My first in a very long time. Maybe almost a year. Being a convert, I’ve never been crazy about the rosary because it takes sooooooo lonnnnnng. And I am so selfish and lazy.
But when I do, and I really let my mind go to where God wants it to go, there are always revelations, there is always wisdom. There is always love. I actually prayed it in my daughter’s room since Lloyd was sleeping and my little altar is in my bedroom. She has her own ‘altar’ and it is much more simple and true than mine. I used her rosary too. I felt like a layer of the onion had fallen away when I finished.
I also remembered through my journals how much fun I had when I first joined Toastmasters. How excited I was when I realized that I had a true talent that God could use. NOt that I knew what it would be used FOR, but that didn’t matter. I remembered seeing Darren LaCroix for the first time and thinking “I can do that.”
The past 2 days of reading just 2006-2009 have given me more ideas for speech topics than the previous 15 years which says a lot about the quality of my life and my intellect prior. It is also reminding me of what is important to me, what has WORKED for me and what stupid things I STILL do and need to banish from my life.
Now I feel like I am riding a wave. It is scary because it might not go where I want it to go but I gotta tell ya, it feels infinitely superior to standing on the dry shore with sand in my mouth. I am shakily riding a wave of faith and if I can subject my will, which has been the great challenge of my life, I know it will take me where I need to go.