So I’m reading a Facebook post by Rich Hopkins today and he says something like “Hey everybody!  It’s almost contest time!  Time to get into the groove and start that International Speech!  Message me for details on coaching!”

(Rich Hopkins is a several time finalist at the World Championships and was a main focus of the documentary “Speak”.)

So what was my FIRST reaction?  “I wonder how much he charges?”

My second reaction?  “Now?  I have to start NOW?”

He writes “Preparing for the World Stage is serious business.”  Duh.

2012 World Champ Ryan Avery started prepping in January this year.  My plan is to start in December during our Christmas break.  Meg and I are going to take 3 weeks off of (most) schooling in December so I am looking forward to doing that GUILT FREE.

Man, I did a lot of strange and not necessarily beneficial thinking today.  Like I said yesterday, PMS.  Emotionally charged, guilty thinking.   ….I wonder if I am cheating my daughter by doing this.  I wonder if I should be taking all the energy that I am putting into this dream of mine and pouring it into my daughter to make her the most amazing human possible.  Isn’t that the guilt of the typical working mother?  Except I’m not working outside of the home and I assuage my guilt by telling myself that I homeschool my daughter and we are together 24/7 for crying out loud.

But I know the truth.  I know I could be a better mother and I am a selfish person.

Today I was thinking a lot about this poem I wrote when I was 26.  It was called “A Life I May See”.  In the poem I describe having a husband who loves me and a child that we love together.   I describe watching my husband toss our girl high into the sky and hearing her laugh.

At 26, I was really getting good at drinking.   I was also relishing my new found freedom after an abusive marriage by dating every other guy in town.   I worked at one of the most dangerous strip clubs in the city and was being threatened by the owner for trying to start a union.  Life was tumultuous and unreal.

In the daytime, I attended an adult learning centre to get my high school degree and that gave me the sliver of grounding I had during this time.  It was during this sliver of grounding that I wrote this little poem, a life I may see, something I wasn’t sure I would EVER see, and it was my dream.

Now I have the dream, although it’s nothing like I dreamed it would be.  Dreams rarely are.  Sometimes it’s intensely difficult and other times, I feel surrounded by more love than I thought possible.  Mostly it’s just trying to remember to be aware of life and of God.  Now that I have that dream, why, I ask myself, do I want more?  Do I have the right to ask my family to give more of themselves and to get less of me so I can chase a dream?

Tomorrow I will participate in a clarity session and I don’t think the timing could be any better.

Yes.  Some clarity would be excellent.