So I’ve decided NOT to give a speech on Wednesday.  I need a break for now.  I know that I do.  I spent several hours last night writing but none of the things I wrote are things that I want to share right now.  I also can’t stand the thought of just slapping something together.  I probably worked harder on “JAWS -The Speech” up to Division level than I did on both speeches to District level last year.  I am beginning to appreciate what kind of work it takes to put together a memorable speech.  Slap dash ain’t gonna cut it for anyone.

Also, writing last night, writing very personal things, was so enjoyable.  Writing a speech is so different in that you have to use language in a very concise way.  There is a great satisfaction in figuring out how to say that same thing in less words but writing for self or for reading is so indulgent, weighty and satisfying.  I miss doing it.  In a way, I’m doing it here, but alas, you folks don’t get everything here.  I’m frequently weighing what to say here because of the medium and the message.  I also factor in people’s privacy.  My deadliest stuff goes in my personal journal where I am my messy, hopeful, haughty self.   I’ve always had BOOK in the back of my head.  For years.  In fact my dad told me once this year that he always thought that’s what I’d do.  (My dad has told me a lot of stuff this year now that I think of it.)  At the end of this year’s journey, on August 24, 2013, that will be the next step.  It will be TIME.  And it will be done.

Next up is:  I’ve got Darren LaCroix‘s “Create Your Keynote by Next Week”  sitting here but I have no intention of doing this in a week.  I just don’t work that way.  I’m analytical.  I like to examine things and understand them.  I can’t just DO them.  So I’m going to start the process and enjoy it.  And see what happens.

Also thinking about asking certain people if they are interested in coaching me.  Taking time with that too.  This needs to be thoughtfully and prayerfully done, methinks.

I will also be doing a clarity session with my Texas Toastmaster Micaela Pennell http://www.400daysto40.com next week.  I am ever so grateful for the gifts God brings into my life and the way in which it is done.  I know I am being loved.

I think this is the time to simply be Paula for a while.

I finally felt it tonight.  I care again.  I DO care.  I care a lot.

This volcanic post was true:

https://ayearinthelifeofatoastmaster.com/2012/10/07/day-44-decompression-sometimes-better-lucky-than-good/

I WAS PMSing, big time, but it WAS an existential crisis too.  The two often walk hand in hand like psychopathic lovers.

This week has felt like ghost Paula has been living my life.  I haven’t quite felt THERE, you know?   I went through all the motions, but Paula finally returned to me  tonight.  My spirit is pulling at the reins again and I am so relieved.  How I hate to free-fall!

I was at World Champion’s Edge tonight listening to LaCroix spout his usual common sense but it was Craig Valentine and Ed Tate who broke through me tonight.

Ed Tate is such a hardass.  I totally respect that about him.  He could be a pretty damned effective drill sargeant.  Have I mentioned that he scares the daylights out of me because he is so absolutely TOGETHER, so wonderfully composed?  His persona reminds me in some way, of a handsome and charming Terminator.  (And his World Championship speech is my favourite after Darren’s)  He gave me a necessary kick in the ass tonight.  Have I mentioned that an ass-kicking is one of the more effective forms of motivation for me?  Ed is going to be our keynote speaker at the TM conference in November.  I would like very much to meet him and have a chat.  And not pee my pants.

Craig Valentine gave me 2 rehearsal tips that I have never used before that really excited me and that I can’t wait to use.  I wish I could disclose them here but it occurs to me that I pay them a monthly fee for a reason- so they can make a living.  I can’t be giving away techniques that they are charging money to learn.  Suffice it to say, World Champions Edge is worth the $30 a month.

(Little story – The money for this appeared in a magical way.  We have been sponsoring a child at World Vision for 8 years now when all of a sudden, we got a letter from them saying that Salim’s village was now self sufficient and that donors were no longer necessary!!!  I had never heard of such a success but I was thrilled that was the case.  So, just as I was agonizing over spending the extra $30 a month for Edge, this letter came in the mail.  Thanks God, for the guilt-free-trip.)

Now it’s not just the Tate/Valentine one-two punch – it’s really that time heals all wounds and I needed some time, for sure.  I’m not break dancing yet but I’m on the floor and I can feel the beat again.  My toes are tapping.  I’m starting to move.  I crave that groove folks.