I had 3 rare hours to myself this morning.  Went down to the waterfront to do my first 100 Day Diva U Life Coaching exercise.

1.  Name 10-15 things that you are doing right that you want to continue.

I came up with 11 but it wasn’t easy.  Have you ever thought about that?  What you’re doing right in your life and want to continue to do?  It’s an odd thing to think about.  And a good one,

2.  Name 5-10 things that need to happen in my life.

I came up with 8.

3.  List 30-50 of your most painful memories.

What a party, eh?

I came up with 32 but I didn’t feel finished so I went for a walk along the water to clear my head with sea air.  (I saw a friend whom I like very much but rarely get to see and he invited me over for coffee and we talked philosophy for an hour and a half.  Who the hell ever gets to talk philosophy?  I think this is my only friend I do that with and I do most of the listening.)

Anyway, I have to say I was apprehensive about doing this exercise and I kind of expected to get all sobby but what really happened was that I got angry.  Guess I shouldn’t be all THAT surprised.

And it’s funny, that’s what my friend and I discussed a lot- anger.  His sister is a raving pissed off feminist like I used to be.  Every single conversation would eventually be derailed into how women are oppressed and how much men suck and how angry I was about just about everything.  Seething, simmering, always just under the surface ready to explode ANGER.

Angry Talk (Comic Style)

My friend suggested I pray the rosary and he’s not even Catholic.  Didn’t I talk about that a few weeks back and then do exactly nothing about it?  I don’t know.  It seems too simplistic.  Not that that’s bad.  It just seems unlikely to me.  But then, what do I know?  Bottom line is I dislike praying the rosary because it takes so long.  There.  I said it.  Bad Catholic!  lol

Micaela and I get started- really started on Monday.

My speech coach Rich Hopkins got back to me today after my EPIC reply to him.  I was afraid to open the email.  Yes I was!  But I did.  He thanked me for my “comprehensive reply” which he said he meant in a good way.  I breathed a sigh of relief.

He saw keynote which is what my plan was for after this speech season.  A book and keynote together.  Hear that God?  I’m making a plan!  (Can you hear the laughter? )  Rich had this to say:  (You have) “real world wisdom mixed with the showiness and audacity that your past is filled with, which still inhabits your currrent stage persona.”  He sent me an awesome video of a woman he said reminded him of me.  I felt really encouraged by both her message and her delivery.   Apparently there ARE places for people like me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4DOJpB2I8o&feature=youtu.be

There is a lot of material in my speech.  Too much.  It’s wonderful being a conventional writer- loving words and descriptions so much, setting scenes, tones, indulging.  Speech writing is a completely different animal and one I have much less experience with.  I enjoy it too- it’s a challenge and it’s exciting figuring out how to say the same thing with less words.  How to paint a story in a different way.  We’re going to talk on Sunday and see what we can do.

In the meantime, I have toyed with a different direction- focusing on only ONE story instead of 2.  Not sure what to do but I’m going to let my subconscious deal with it for a few days and see what my brain comes up with.

Did I mention I’m going to TED-x in Powell River and the star (Dr. Evan Adams) of one of my favourite films of all time “Smoke Signals” will be there?  I didn’t even know that when I got my ticket.  Blessings just keep raining down on my head.

Cover of "Smoke Signals"

Cover of Smoke Signals

 

 

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I’m reaching out towards my faith again, I feel it reaching back for me.  I’m not saying I’m good, I am saying I’m hopeful which is the most important thing.  Without hope, we are all lost.  Without hope, I am useless.

I have been stepping back from my Catholic faith this year, knowingly, unknowingly, afraid, ashamed, I don’t know.  Afraid of being judged.  Always that fear, fear of judgement no matter where I’ve been in life.  It has steered me so.  Fear is a poor place upon which to build.

My heart has, for the most part, not been in my faith since, oh, I’m guessing at least last March.  Maybe longer.  There have still been some spectacular moments but I have largely ignored Opus Dei, the formation that has given me so much wisdom and strength for the past 5 years.  I used to read daily devotions from Father Francis Fernandez, they lined up with my life so often, gave me such deep wisdom but alas, I am freakin’ LAZY.  Nothin’ noble about that.  I am also selfish and prideful.  Once, twice, three times a lady!

Still reading my journals and I am up to 2009 and what revelations are in my past!  How is it that I can NOT remember so much of my life?  It is good to revisit those paths.  Everyone should keep a journal.  There is wisdom in me, I just have to look back for it.  I am learning, re-learning a lot.  I am re-membering my past.  I am re-membering who I have been, who I am.  Putting myself back together as I see me.  This is ALL happening for a reason.  God even uses my selfish desires to be a big shot to show me what I need to see.

I prayed a rosary today.  My first in a very long time.  Maybe almost a year.  Being a convert, I’ve never been crazy about the rosary because it takes sooooooo lonnnnnng.  And I am so selfish and lazy.

But when I do, and I really let my mind go to where God wants it to go, there are always revelations, there is always wisdom. There is always love.  I actually prayed it in my daughter’s room since Lloyd was sleeping and my little altar is in my bedroom.  She has her own ‘altar’ and it is much more simple and true than mine.  I used her rosary too.  I felt like a layer of the onion had fallen away when I finished.

I also remembered through my journals how much fun I had when I first joined Toastmasters.  How excited I was when I realized that I had a true talent that God could use.  NOt that I knew what it would be used FOR, but that didn’t matter.  I remembered seeing Darren LaCroix for the first time and thinking “I can do that.”

The past 2 days of reading just 2006-2009 have given me more ideas for speech topics than the previous 15 years which says a lot about the quality of my life and my intellect prior.  It is also reminding me of what is important to me, what has WORKED for me and what stupid things I STILL do and need to banish from my life.

Now I feel like I am riding a wave.  It is scary because it might not go where I want it to go but I gotta tell ya, it feels infinitely superior to standing on the dry shore with sand in my mouth.  I am shakily riding a wave of faith and if I can subject my will, which has been the great challenge of my life, I know it will take me where I need to go.